My Battles With Loneliness

After posting the picture of my Good Morning Girls Group, I received a few comments and emails from sisters in Christ who are lonely and long for Christian friendships. My heart broke, as I can recall the seasons in life where I was caught in the dark cloud of loneliness.

I remember weekends in college in Chicago, when most of the girls either went home or out on dates with their boyfriends - I was homesick. I would sit in my dorm room alone eating popcorn and listening to George Winston’s Pachabel’s Canon play on repeat for hours(I still do this! lol!). I never did go out on dates in college - not once – I was dating Keith long distance. I poured over God's word on those long weekends and filled in the gaping dark hole with God's presence.

Finally, I married Keith after 4 long years apart and we moved to Columbus, Ohio for him to finish college at Ohio State University. I was in a new town – with a new name - with a new job – and a new church. I recall walking into my first Bible study in the new church and no one greeting me. I sat alone and was very uncomfortable. I had made some non-Christian friends at work. But I longed for a safe refuge of Christian friends where I could let my guard down and be myself. It took about 18 months before I developed my first "real" Christian friendship...it was a long lonely 18 months.


Then I moved home after 7 years away. I had finally made Christian friends back in Columbus – but here I was “alone” again! I pulled out a prayer journal from my first week home and I had written in there… “Help me Lord to not get into a rut of self pity as it is hard in a new town with no friends.” Looking back it’s humorous. I wasn’t in a new town? I was in my hometown. These weren’t new friends? They were old friends. But I was scared - I had changed in 7 years - so had they - would they accept me?

David, “a man after God’s own heart”, was lonely. In Psalm 25:16 he said to the Lord, “Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.” David turned to God.

If we choose to turn away from God in response to our loneliness we will go down a very cold road. Job and Elijah felt so alone they wanted to die. Jeremiah wished he had never even been born. Satan can use this time to enter sinful thoughts into our minds such as self pity, self-centeredness, bitterness, anger, and jealousy. We may attempt to put a band aid on the pain by turning to the television, alcohol, shopping, binge eating, or excessive computer time.

But, the only comfort I ever found was in releasing my needs to God in prayer and then trusting God. If you are struggling with loneliness today I encourage you to read Psalm 84:11,12. Place your trust in God, then go one step further and delight yourself in God as the rest of Psalm 84 says.

Stop being jealous, stop shopping, stop suppressing the pain with food. I testify as one lonely sister to another (*tears are stinging as I write this next line because God has taught me this truth through tears over and over and over and I pray with all my heart you will grasp this) - it has been in my trusting and delighting - that God has filled the God shaped hole inside of me, to the brim.


In time, God will bring you the fellowship you long for but never let your friends replace your Walk with the King,

This Is What I Do When Life Hurts

The Making Your Home a Haven Challenge is over and I miss reading all of your link-ups already!!! Thank you for helping me make October special in my home - your accountability truly helped me! I have the most amazing readers ever! Keep it up!


Today I'm thinking about the reader who is frustrated with her home and feels that it is anything BUT a haven. I turn to Psalm 23 and I think about the inner dialogue of a woman who is hurting...


1 - The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want. (want. want. want. I want...)

2. He makes me lie down (lie down...if only I could lie down for just 20 minutes...if only if only if only) in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters. (quiet. quiet. quiet...this home is so loud...television, ipods, cell phones, chatter, I can't get a moment of quiet here).


3. He restores my soul (my soul. needs. restored. ...it hurts). He guides me in paths of righteousness. (I am so alone...I have no one who understands...if only I had someone to get me out of this mess. mess. mess. Someone besides me please clean up this mess!).


4. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil (what if. what if. what if. what if I'm not enough?) for you are with me (you are? why are you so silent God?); your rod and your staff they comfort me. (comfort. who needs comfort. I am strong. I will pick myself up and press on. I am not weak.)


5. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies, you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. (overflows. overflows. overflows. Dirty dishes overflow, closets overflow, my trash cans overflow, my laundry baskets overflow, my calender overflows...if everything is so full - why do I feel so empty?)


6. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life. (follow. follow. follow. I feel like difficulties, trials, disappointments, bad relationships and financial problems follow me... goodness? love? follow me?) and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. (put on fake smile. I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever...BUT...I want. I want. I want. if only. if only. if only. my soul hurts. mess. mess. mess. I am weak. no. I am strong. empty. empty. empty.)


Do you hear the self talk? Do you hear what is happening between this woman's two ears? She is saying rotten things to herself about her life, about the people in her life, about her circumstances, and even about God. And then she wonders...why? don't? I? have? peace?


The problem is not out there - it's inside of her. Romans 12:2 says, "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Do you want to see a change in your home? It starts in your mind.

The Lord is indeed your Shepherd and you shall not be in want. You must claim these truths. Let him lead you by still waters...are you thirsty? Sit still. Drink a tall glass of his living word! Let him restore your soul. He is with you. He loves you. You will one day dwell in his house forever. You only have one life and living it in the Eeyore state is not living at all!


Are you in a storm? Do you need help? Psalm 121:1 says, "I lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."

At the core - I am empty, ugly, self-seeking, insecure, questioning myself to death regularly (even cried for about 30 minutes in my husband's office this week over my fears. fears. fears. and failures). I hurt. I struggle. I wrestle. But then - I lift my eyes up to the maker of the heavens and the earth and this world pauses for just a moment and all my ugly thoughts and self talk are washed away by his love, grace and peace. The storms do not disappear but seeing a glimpse of the sunshine that awaits me, lifts me up when I am weak. I am weak. I am weak. He is strong. And so I rest. And he restores.

(If you are discouraged, I pray you will take just 5 minutes to let this song speak truth into your life. Stop the inner dialogue and habits of doubt and negative self talk and fill your mind with truth. truth. truth. You must hear the truth.)

Praise You in This Storm / Casting Crowns

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.


Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm


I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away


Chorus
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth


Walk with the King!

I am linking up here :

Our Family Went To New York City Last Weekend

Last weekend, I took the kids to see their daddy on a business trip 7 hours away in PA (really it was more like 10 with all the stops for the kids). Can I just say for the record - traveling alone with kids is hard. Even with the DVD player going and bags stuffed with toys, it's hard. We weren't able to leave our sin natures at home - so it wasn't long before there was bickering in the back seat (I was wishing I had a candle to light in the car lol!).

So we arrived in far east Pennsylvania and we met my husband. From there we took a train to Penn Station, a taxi to Battery Park and a ferry to see the Statue of Liberty. How grand she is!
Did I mention we waited in line for nearly 2 hours to catch the ferry? As an impatient American, that was not my favorite experience of the day! Did I mention there was a security check that made us feel like criminals? Did I mention how we were all squished on the ferry to the island?

From the Statue of Liberty we boarded the ferry to head to Ellis Island.
God had a life lesson in store for me!

My great grandfather came over on a boat from Hungary in the early 1900's - so I stood where he stood. As I read the history of the horrific 1+month boat ride from Europe - to the land of opportunity - I was humbled. The pictures of the travelers squished onto the boat with the clothes on their back and nothing but hope packed in their hearts touched me.

Suddenly the 10 hour drive, train ride, taxi ride, long line, security check and ferry ride seemed minor compared to what my Great Grandpa went through to see Lady Liberty!

Great Grandpa came with a dream - to make life better for generations to come and there I stood - living out his dream. Could he have imagined how amazing his great granddaughter's life would be - all because of his sacrifice? Thank you Lord for such a brave and visionary Grandpa!

His name is on the wall of Ellis Island - he is Jozsef M Degi. He left his wife behind to come and work and earn money to send for her. It took him TEN years to get the money to send for his wife - could you imagine? Her name is under his - Katalin Szasz Degi.
Their sacrifice is my reward.


As I looked at my overflowing trunk to come back to Ohio, I was humbled. I had more in my car for a 4 day weekend trip than my Great Grandpa had on the boat.


I want a piece of my Great Grandpa's courage. I want his fortitude. I want his vision. I want his strength. I want his endurance. I want his diligence. I want his hope.

Psalm 145:4,5

"One generation will commend your works to another; they will tell of your mighty acts. They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty, and I will meditate on your wonderful works."

Tell your children how God has blessed your family and the people he has used to create your present. Tell the stories - let the next generation hear of God's marvelous works, his grace, his love. See to it that your children are inspired to have courage and hope like those who have come before them.

Walk with the King!

Trusting God When We Don't Understand Why

9/11 brings back a lot of painful memories - shock, horror, sadness, fear.

Heroes arose on this horrific day. Firemen sacrificed their lives to save many. God Bless their families.

I am also reminded of the amazing story of the widow of Todd Beamer. Todd, a man of faith, courageously led other passengers to overpower their hijackers on flight 93 to thwart the plans of their hijackers. Their plane crashed in a vacant field in Pennsylvania and all on board died that day. Todd is a hero.

"I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

Lisa Beamer told interviewers "God says, 'I knew on September 10, and I could have stopped it, but I have a plan for greater good than you can ever imagine.' I don't know God's plan, and, honestly, right now I don't like it very much. But I trust that He is true to His promise in Romans 8:28."

Sweet Lisa is an example of a woman trusting God when she didn't have all the answers and couldn't understand why.

Is there something happening in your life that you just can't understand? Follow Lisa Beamer's example - Trust God. He has a greater purpose and plan that we cannot see. Meditate in Psalm 23 today and rest in his loving arms.

Walk with the King!

Failure

Who likes failure? Not me!!! Back in June I shared with you the planting of our very first garden. It truly was a joy to plant and the hope of juicy fresh veggies was on everyone's minds. Well...let me be honest...I failed.


We had very heavy rainfalls for 10 days straight after our planting - and moss began to grow in our garden! Uh oh - I knew that couldn't be a good sign. Then weeds began to grow and I couldn't tell a weed from a seedling - uh oh! That can't be good either. So I let the weeds grow a little, while we looked at books and tried to decipher. Eventually it was clear the seeds had been washed away and most of what was growing in our sweet garden were weeds.


There were a few hopes though. Our strawberries were beginning to get plump and turning light shades of red. Our corn stalks shot up to the sky and our tomato and green pepper plants did have signs of veggies. BUT then the birds came and ate the berries. And something (I don't know what?) tore down and ate all of our corn stalks in the middle of night just last week! Devastating!


At this point all we have in our garden are tomatoes and green peppers. Both have unripe veggies forming BUT I just noticed yesterday one of the tomatoes has a huge bite taken out of it. This is not a good sign!


SO, I failed miserably at our very first garden...


I shared this with a bloggy friend who has ten children and lives on 16 acres where she grows her own food, raises beef cattle, has her own dairy cow, sheep for meat, chickens for meat and eggs, ducks, geese, cats and dogs for pets and horses as well.


Today she wrote a blog post for me at A Moment With M.O.M. Maybe you will find something in there for you too.


The children are very disappointed but I have already told them - we will not give up and we will try again next year. After talking with a few friends, I have realized some of my flaws and why we have had our failure.

It's a part of life...falling down...getting back up again...the feelings of defeat....rising with defiant joy .


Life is filled with hard moments. We do have a choice - will we choose defiant joy or defeat? On our own - we will be defeated. But when we walk with the King - Romans 8:37 tells us: "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." Don't let your failures define you.

Get back up again and Walk with the King!

Finding Peace in the Midst of Chaos

On Thursday my video blog was about how God helps us in times of need. An Anonymous commenter said "But practically speaking... what does that mean? HOW does He help us when the baby is sick and the floors are filthy and we haven't slept in 48 hours and we don't have help to cook meals. It's one "theme" I haven't understood as a Christian."

I repsonded back to her in the comments section and shared with her how our outside circumstances may not change when we cry out to God in prayer - but our inner self - our soul and spirit - is comforted and calmed by the Prince of Peace.

I could go on more, to try to explain this concept but last week my sister sent me the link to her friend's blog. My eyes were opened immediately to the presence of God in the lives of this couple who just 10 days ago weathered a serious storm with grace. Here is a picture of how the Prince of Peace helps us when we feel weak.

Kim wrote this on their blog before the baby's arrival: At 21 weeks of our 1st pregnancy, our doctors alerted us to the presence of multiple developmental abnormalities with our growing son: Calvin. At 22 weeks it was confirmed that he has a chromosomal abnormality known as Trisomy 18. Trisomy 18 is typically fatal with only 10% of babies with this condition making it to 1 year old. Since our Calvin has some serious developmental abnormalities (severe heart defects, etc) he will most likely not live very long after birth. This has affected our lives unlike anything else, however we believe that God is in control of this situation and every situation.

Some people would say that our circumstances are not fair, and on a bad day we would agree, however, instead of looking at things in a negative light we are trying to view everything in light of God's sovereignty and yes, even in this difficult situation give Him praise. We can be thankful that we are able to conceive, we can be thankful for being able to feel Calvin move in the womb, for our special moments of bonding with him while he’s still here and most of all, we can be thankful that we have hope that through Jesus Christ we can be with Calvin again.

Calvin and his medical diagnosis is not a fluke or a mistake, he is our son and his life was planned down to the finest detail before the world was formed. God has formed him in the womb just like any other baby and his life has purpose. No matter how short his life, it will be full and God will use him in whatever way that He sees fit. Calvin will have the benefit of knowing that He was used of God in a mighty way through the lives of his mom and dad and for those around them. He has already taught us how to love and trust God and each other more deeply than we could have ever imagined. We know that this is happening for a purpose and although, we may never know what that purpose is (while on this earth at least) we know God works everything together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). We know that Calvin is a work of God and that his life is according to God’s purpose. And, we know that The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord (Job 1:21).

To view the birth of this sweet baby click here. I can guarantee you that you will see with your own eyes - the presence of God in the lives of Kim and her husband Josh. When we walk with the King - he gives us a joy, hope and peace that this world does not understand. If you are feeling weak today in the midst of your circumstances - draw near to God and find encouragement in the strength of your fellow Christians who are enduring hardships with you.

Psalm 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength, a helper who is always found in times of trouble."


Walk with the King!

Why Me?

Wednesdays in the Word: Ecclesiastes 8

I hold my 6 week old baby in the rocking chair. He is restless and crying so I cuddle him in and begin to nurse. He drinks for a moment and then cries. What is wrong - why is he doing this? He latches on again for a couple minutes and then stops to cry...we do this for 45 minutes and now I am sweating, unsure of myself and uneasy with how nursing is going. We stop and I just rock him. He is peaceful. We rock. He sleeps.

I go to my computer and google "baby crying during nursing". I call my sisters - we discuss it - but I still don't find my answers. He awakes, we again nuzzle into our chair and I bring him to my breast. Again he cries and fusses. No one told me this would be so hard?

It's Easter Sunday - I am so proud to bring my new baby out into public for the world to see - but I have a dark secret...our nursing sessions are stressful. I head up to my old bedroom in my parent's house where I try to nurse him but he refuses to eat. Tears well up in my eyes - what is wrong with me - what is wrong with him - what do I do?

I sit with the lactation consultant at the hospital. She weighs him and then I nurse him for 45 minutes and then she weighs him again...I wait to hear how much milk he took in... he took in 1 ounce. "1 oz - 1 oz - 1 oz in 45 minutes!!! What have I done? My sweet baby boy is starving!" He is immediately given formula - I go home weeping. Weeping over my first failure as a mother.

Have you ever laid in bed awake at night and wondered - Why me? I don't understand these circumstances God? Have you ever felt like a failure - like the rest of the world has it figured out and you are the only one who just can't seem to pull it together? Your will and determination just simply aren't enough? Your 2 year old won't let you buckle them in the car, your 3 year old bites, your four year old hits, your 10 year old struggles with reading, your teenager is defiant, or your grown child is making poor decisions and you sit there helpless.

Ecclesiastes 8:14 says "There is something else meaningless that occurs on earth; righteous men who get what the wicked deserve, and wicked men who get what the righteous deserve."


Have you ever seen a mom of little ones dying of cancer, a young child's life snuffed out in a car accident, a noble man losing his job while a wicked man succeeds. Do you look around and ask what's up with this lopsided world? It doesn't make sense?

Solomon, the wisest man on earth admits in Ecclesiastes 8:16 and 17 there are some things we will never understand on this side of heaven. He says "When I applied my mind to know wisdom and to observe man's labor on earth - his eyes not seeing sleep day or night - then I saw all that God has done. NO one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. Despite all his efforts to search it out, man cannot discover its meaning. Even if a wise man claims he knows, he cannot really comprehend it.

No amount of lost sleep can help us comprehend what God is doing. Though we can put entire libraries on a tiny micro-chip - our human minds will never be able to solve the mysteries of God's works. So what do we do?

"Cast all your anxious thoughts on him because he cares for you." (I Peter 5:7) I remember laying in my bed one night crying over my motherhood failures and saying over and over until I fell asleep - "he cares for you, he cares for you, he cares for you, he cares for you, he cares for you, he cares for you, he cares for you." When Satan tempts you to believe otherwise - speak his truth until you find peace. Peace washed over my soul and on a tear drenched pillow I found rest. If you are asking God "Why me?" Stop asking and remember his truth - "He cares for you"- rest in this truth today.

Walk with the King!

Dealing With Worry and Fear Biblically

On Monday around 2pm, I sat reading Max Lucado's book that is about to be released in September titled "Fearless: Imagine Your Life Without Fear." A prideful thought went through my head at one point -"I'm not really a very fearful person. In the business world - my husband is a risk taker and I take it with ease. I've moved to multiple new cities and churches with ease. And I live and grocery shop in a city with a high rate of crime and I hardly look over my shoulder." (There is only one thing I am dreadfully afraid of and that's big dogs - but that's a blog for another day!!!!)

So in my pride, I thought - this book doesn't REALLY apply to me... TWO hours later God humbled me. Around 4pm my son came running into my office with his sister yelling - "She swallowed a magnetix." "WHAT?" I exclaimed - Lexi's face was red and she was sobbing as she admitted that she had the silver ball in her mouth and accidentally swallowed it. (If you are aware of the magnetix toys - there are warnings on the box - which I have read to the children - swallowing them is dangerous due to the magnetic factor of the toy. Swallowing one does no harm - but two can stick together through the lining of your intestine causing blockage - which could be fatal!)

FEAR ran through every vein in my body - I called my Dr. who said - head straight to the ER for an X-ray. On the drive there, I fought back tears - the what if's flooded my mind... (What if she swallowed two? What if they have to do surgery? What if my husband can't make it home in time?)

As parents we can do it all - protect, pray- keep bad men at bay and STILL find ourselves in the ER! Often we look for God in our devotional times and worship times - but strangely enough I find his presence most real in the midst of a storm.

In Matthew 14:22-33 - Peter found himself in the midst of a raging storm out on a boat. Peter looked out into the water and exclaimed "A Ghost" - he did not expect to see Jesus standing there and Jesus said "Do not be afraid. Take courage - I am here." Courageously - Peter stepped out of the boat and walked on water!!!! With his eyes on Jesus, he exchanged his fear for faith...but then...he saw the wind and waves and bam! He began to sink like a rock!

When we focus on our fears - we will sink - but when we focus on Christ - we find courage to have hope in the midst of horror and trust in the midst of tragedy. Like a child who sees his parents sitting on the bleachers as he plays a game - the presence of the parent gives him peace.

That day in the ER - I sat alone with the two kids, my husband was out of town, but the presence of God was with me. It's in those moments that we are more keenly aware of God's presence. The Dr. did an X-ray and confirmed - yep - there was a little silver ball in her belly - JUST ONE! Praise the Lord!

Will you trust God in the midst of your storm today? What worries do you have? When it comes to our children - God can bring even the greatest warrior to his knees. Turn your worry into prayer. Prayer moves the hands that calm a raging storm. Worry accomplishes nothing - absolutely nothing! Fear not - God is with you.

Walk with the King!

http://www.womenlivingwell.org/

Dealing with Fear

Yesterday I blogged about "Change" - and today I'm thinking about fear. Just yesterday I was with a friend in aerobics class and she said with her eyes wide - "I'm so scared for tomorrow."

I know some of you relate. The "Change" that America voted for is slightly unknown. We don't really know what Barack Obama is going to do next. Some talk of another 800 billion dollar bailout plan on top of the previous bailout plan. How much is a billion dollars anyway? I can't even wrap my head around these figures. All I know is the nation is going into a lot of debt which is scary. Then there's the stock market and housing crisis and the threat of real enemies. How will Obama handle these volatile issues?

Did you know that over 60 times the Bible says "Fear not". Fear is the exact opposite of faith and faith is the opposite of fear. So which are you more filled with today?

2 Tim 1:7 says "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." Do you lack faith and confidence? That is not from God - you are listening to the wrong voices. God says "fear not".

If you are someone who struggles with fear and anxiety on a daily basis (or if you have a child struggling with this), you have a stronghold of fear. What I recommend that you do is read Psalm 23 every morning and every evening until you have it memorized. This discipline will comfort your soul and change your way of thinking. You must trade your fearful thoughts for comforting thoughts. You must claim verse 4 "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

Fear and faith cannot coexist. So today - walk in faith, talk in faith, eat, drink, sleep in faith! Cling to God's promises and fear has no chance! Our hope is not set in Presidents or the almighty dollar but in God. Today live out the Nike slogan "No Fear"!

Walk with the King!

http://www.womenlivingwell.org/