My First Failure As a Mother

Pictures don't always tell the whole story. 


I could post picture after picture of me smiling with my babies or toddlers and you might be tempted to believe that I must have birthed easy children or am some sort of super mom to be always smiling. 

The reality is I have found motherhood to be a very difficult road.  The daily sacrifice and demands of being a mom can be overwhelming at times.

The truth is - I have struggled since my first born son came out of the womb!  And I have been a reading maniac, trying to figure this thing called motherhood out!  I was quite shocked when my first born screamed and cried for the first few months on end. 

Let me take you back to a dark moment in my life, when I first became "a mom"...

I hold my 6 week old baby in the rocking chair. He is restless and crying so I cuddle him in and begin to nurse. He drinks for a moment and then cries. What is wrong - why is he doing this? He latches on again for a couple minutes and then stops to cry...we do this for 45 minutes and now I am sweating, unsure of myself and uneasy with how nursing is going. We stop and I just rock him. He is peaceful. We rock. He sleeps.

I go to my computer and google "baby crying during nursing". I call my sisters - we discuss it - but I still don't find my answers. I open books - no answers...never in my life have I not been able to will something I want - a goal - into happening...He awakes, we again nuzzle into our chair and I bring him to my breast. Again he cries and fusses. No one told me this would be so hard?

It's Easter Sunday - I am so proud to bring my new baby out into public for the world to see - but I have a dark secret...our nursing sessions are stressful. I head up to my old bedroom in my parent's house where I try to nurse him but he refuses to eat. Tears well up in my eyes - what is wrong with me - what is wrong with him - what do I do?

I sit with the lactation consultant at the hospital. She weighs him and then I nurse him for 45 minutes and then she weighs him again...I wait to hear how much milk he took in... he took in 1 ounce. "1 oz...1 OUNCE in 45 minutes!!! What have I done?  What is wrong with me?  My baby boy is starving!" He is immediately given formula - I go home cyring - Crying over my first failure as a mother.Just sharing this truth is hard for me...it's hard to admit I did not do what is so natural for so many of you.  I want to give my children the best of me - studies show nursing is the best - and though I pumped for months and my son was a very healthy baby - I still feel guilt...and shame...over this failure. ~*I am teary even as I type this paragraph because it is still something that troubles me.  I hate the question - "did you nurse?"  and then my answer "I tried...I really did try...I don't know what went wrong?...I failed..."

And so you may ask...well what happened when your second baby came along???  "I tried...for 5 weeks, I exclusively nursed her...then my husband went on a business trip and I was alone for a week with the 2 children.  And in my fear...the dark fear that maybe she wasn't getting enough...and in my isolation with no one to reassure me...I gave up and gave her a bottle...I pumped and supplemented because I needed to see how much she was getting to have peace.  So the truth...I gave up...*tear...and I still have trouble forgiving myself for giving up so quickly...I failed." 

Have you ever laid in bed awake at night and wondered - Why me? I don't understand these circumstances God? Have you ever felt like a failure - like the rest of the world has it figured out and you are the only one who just can't seem to pull it together? Your will and determination just simply aren't enough? Your 2 year old won't let you buckle them in the car, your 3 year old bites, your 4 year old hits, your 10 year old struggles with reading, your teenager is defiant, or your grown child is making poor decisions and you sit there helpless.

 So what do we do?

"Cast all your anxious thoughts on him because he cares for you." (I Peter 5:7)


I remember laying in my bed one night when my children were toddlers and I had had a terrible day managing them.  I laid there crying over my motherhood failures and saying over and over until I fell asleep - "he cares for you, he cares for you, he cares for you, he cares for you, he cares for you, he cares for you, he cares for you." When Satan tempts you to believe otherwise - speak this truth until you find peace. Peace washed over my soul and on a tear drenched pillow I found rest. If you are asking God "Why me?" Stop asking and remember his truth - "He cares for you"- REST in this truth today.

Walk with the King!

Side note - I am not saying that not nursing your babies is failing them...but rather because I was so self-assured that I would nurse my babies till they were one yr old - I was shocked and disappointed at my failure to not reach "my goal"...God humbled me through this experience - I needed to be humbled...and he is still humbling me weekly lol! 

This post is linked to Raising Homemakers, We Are That Family, Hip Homeschool Hop and Time-Warp Wife.

No Guilt - No Regrets

Hebrews 12:1b "Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."

Recently I was reading some blogs that were convicting me. Or should I say they were making me feel guilty. Guilty for using facebook, twitter and blogging. Guilty for the time I use on technology. So I had to sit back and ask myself - why am I blogging? Is it a selfish pursuit? Is it causing damage to my family?

And then like a wave rushing over me, my very next thought was - because I have ONE life - I'm living it full throttle for Jesus!

Blogging is hard work. The late nights writing and answering emails are not for the weary at heart! Women Living Well is not about me. It's about my passion - my mission - my burden for my weary sisters in Christ!!!

I have one life and I'm living it full throttle for Jesus! I'm giving my all! I'm not gonna rust out sitting on my duff watching reality television! And I certainly don't want to burn out, due to my failure to depend on God's strength. But with the help of the Holy Spirit, I desire to simply be a light on the hill (Matt.5:14) burning faithfully till God calls me home.

I must lean hard on Jesus. Do you feel like respecting and submitting to your husband is so hard? Lean on Jesus for strength and go for it full throttle! Give it your all!

Do you home school and feel exhausted? Stop doing it in your own strength - call on Jesus and stay in the game - full throttle!

Are you exhausted in ministry with people's troubles, back biting, complaining or lack of support - take your eyes off of your troubles and put them onto your worthy Savior and do it full throttle for him.

Reading our Bible's daily, respecting our husbands, training our children, creating homes that are havens and reaching a lost world is NOT an easy to-do list - but we must give it our all. Not in a selfish way to receive something but for Jesus.

I'm reminded of missionary and martyr Jim Elliot's quote "Where ever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."

Why do I bother to blog, facebook, youtube and twitter? Because that is where the next generation of ladies are at and I want to make an impact there. Where has God planted you in this season of life? "Be all there, live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God"! "Run with perseverence the race marked out for you." (Heb.12:1b)I only have one life and I'm living it to the hilt -full throttle - no guilt, no regrets - join me!

Walk with the King!

Guilt and Regret

When you reflect on 2008 do you have some guilt or regret? Every year when I write my new goals and reflect on the previous year's goals I go through this regret and guilt thing!

In Romans 7 Paul talks about regret - he says "I have a desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing."

Do you find yourself stuck on a hampster wheel? You want to get off and do what is right, maybe stop yelling at the children, get more organized, or eat healthy - but the good you know you should do, you cannot carry out and the thing you wish you'd stop doing you keep on doing???

Well, the solution is found one chapter later in Romans 8. Paul says in verse 37 "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." We simply cannot live in Romans 7 - in regret and guilt! We must move on to Romans 8 and be a conqueror! We must abide in Christ - it is through Him that we can conquer whatever it is that in 2008 we failed at.

Amy Carmichael said "Looking ahead if He tarry, I can see for you attack of many kinds, painful days, travail. But this I know; you will regret nothing when you look back, except lack of faith, fortitude and love. You will never regret having thrown all to the winds in order to follow your Master and Lord. Nothing will seem too much to have done or suffered when we see Him and the mark of His wounds...nothing will seem enough."

Today, do not let guilt and regret hold you back. Repent and move on and abide in the truths of Romans 8 as a conqueror. My 5th and final goal (I blogged on the first 4 last week) is to live as Amy Carmichael said - "with all thrown to the winds to follow my Master and Lord." With God's help and grace, let's make 2009 look different than 2008!

Walk with the King!

Courtney

http://www.womenlivingwell.org/

Dealing With Guilt - Part 2

Yesterday I wrote on my struggle with guilt. I struggle with guilt over small sinless things - like not having a warm coat on my children when I see all the other preschoolers arrive in their winter coats! To guilt over real sin - like the things that come too quickly out of my mouth when I am angry with one of my children.

Guilt is a universal experience. I received quite a few emails from readers saying that they too have this struggle and I thought maybe I should say more. So I went to my Bible searching for more and I found the answer in one word "Jesus"!

We all have a God-given conscience. Our conscience is committed to getting accounts settled with God and to make things right when we've done wrong.

Hebrews 10:22 talks about our conscience and it says "Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water."

This is one power house of a verse! Do you see what it says - when you feel guilty - draw near to God. Isn't that the opposite of what we want to do? Trust me when those lights came on behind me last Sunday (see Monday's blog) my conscience made me want to hide not chat with a police officer!

But this verse says - "draw near to God with a sincere heart" - be open and honest with God - he already knows what you have done. And don't be scared have "full assurance of faith" - God always loves you - you are his child.

How are we able to come to his throne? Through the blood of his son, Jesus, shed on the cross and that blood has "sprinkled our hearts and it cleanses our guilty conscience!" Wow! God knew that our consciences would bother us - and he wants us to know that our conscience has been cleansed through his blood. We are right with God not because of any of our works but because of his blood alone!

So I want you to ease your conscience today. Picture your heart like a cup cake with sprinkles - it's a delight to God - he does not see all that bad you see. Draw near to God right now and tell him your failures and allow him to sprinkle blood on your conscience and cleanse you and then believe it, accept it and live in it!

Walk with the King!

Courtney
http://www.womenlivingwell.org/

Guilt - Do You Struggle With It?

"Mommy - I'm SO sorry" are the words I heard coming from my daughters room after she had already been put to bed last night. So I entered her room and there she sat on her bed crying and again she said, "Mommy - I am SO sorry" and she held up a little plastic doggie that she had chewed on and broken.

Normally, there is a consequence for breaking toys - but her remorse was so obvious that my heart had compassion on her. She was clearly upset that she had broken the doggie and the only thing she needed at this point was forgiveness and a hug.

Do you struggle with guilt? Maybe you have a past that haunts you. Maybe you had an addiction in the past that ruined family relationships or you chose an abortion at a young age. Maybe you feel guilty for something you said in anger to your husband or about the food choices you make. Maybe you worry that you are not a good enough mother and feel guilty for all your short comings.

I bought a bag of 100 daffodil bulbs that I have yet to plant. Each morning I see the frost I feel guilty that I have not planted those yet - they stare at me condemningly every time I go into the garage! I feel badly that I wasted the money on them or that I've been too "lazy" to get out and plant those and when spring comes if there's no spring flowers AGAIN in front of my house - I will AGAIN feel the guilt of my fall failure!

Do you struggle with guilt over big and small things or am I alone here?

As you can see by my current struggle with the daffodils - this has been an issue for me. The list of failures I feel guilty for is too long to list - from my failure to nurse my son successfully (which was not a sin and I should not feel guilty about! - but I do) to silly daffodils! It's endless!

But when I saw my daughter in bed crying over her remorse for the broken doggie it reminded me of the compassion God shows us. He loves us as deeply as I love my daughter and he does not wish to see his daughters cry over our failures. Once we have said we are sorry he immediately forgives us. Yet the real question is - do we forgive ourselves?

Would it surprise you to hear that the Bible does not say anything about forgiving ourselves! That's a pop culture idea. Our freedom from guilt and shame is completely dependent on us understanding God's deep forgiveness of all of our sins. I John 1:9 says "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins, and purify us from all unrighteousness."

Your choice is - feel guilt and shame and wallow in it or confess your sin to God and be cleansed from all unrighteousness. Let's choose to be free from guilt! If you have confessed your sins you are free! God wants you to live like you are free! Believe it, accept it, and live in it!

Walk with the King!

Courtney

http://www.womenlivingwell.org/

Ps. Is it too late for me to plant these daffodils even though we've had frost or could I do it this weekend and they would come up? Anyone know?