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Women Living Well Blog: Following Your Husband's Vision

Women Living Well Blog

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Following Your Husband's Vision

Ephesians 5:23 "For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church."

It's week #7 in our Summer Completing Him Challenge! Here's this week's challenge: Support his vision. Discuss his vision for your family. Where does he see your family in 1 year, 5 years, and 10 years. Share with us how you let your husband lead.

Let me say in advance, I know this topic is controversial. It is hard for women in the year 2010 to step back and allow their husband to lead their family. The challenge this week is to first - listen. Listen to your husband's vision for your family. Secondly, enter into their vision and share what you dream and envision. From there see where the differences may lie and flesh those out. In the places where you do not see eye to eye - let your husband lead.

Pray for him as he leads and trust God that he will protect you as you obey Ephesians 5:23 in allowing your husband to lead. Indeed this is a challenge isn't it!

3 years ago, my husband and I went out on a date night. During the course of dinner, my husband pulled out his napkin and a pen and began to draw out some career path changes. I was mortified! They were nothing like the path we were currently on. I was comfy and cozy and liked his career choice. And in the blink of an eye, he was changing everything.

I could hear the passion in his voice and see the excitement in his eyes. My mind said - "follow your husband where ever he leads you" but my heart said - "he's asking too much of me!" I wrestled with some of his choices but allowed him to lead.

It was scary. I cried for about the first 2 months off and on. I cried to my friends, cried to my family, cried to my husband and yes, even cried in front of the children. A lot in our life changed as a result of his vision for our family - and I had to sacrifice a few things.

3 years later, I have a husband who thanks me for putting all my faith and loyalty in his decisions. It was not easy to make the choices he made. Knowing that I got on the roller coaster ride beside him and hung on tight for the ride meant so much to him. We grew closer as a couple - we saw qualities exhibited in each other that we had never seen in the first 9 years of our marriage.

I am so thankful that God gave me the strength to follow my husband's vision. I won't say that it was all rosie. We had some very hard moments. But I trusted that the God who gave this command would protect me through this. And I can testify, God was, is and will always be faithful!

Today - listen to your husbands. Talk with them about their plans, dreams and visions for your family. Share yours in return. Don't let it become a debate. Close your mouth and simply listen. Imagine how you can help him reach those goals. Remember - behind every great man is a great woman.
Now tell me about the challenge - if you are a blogger - link up below and be sure to leave a link in your post back to this post. If you do not have a blog, comment below!

Walk with the King!
It's 11am and I have been visiting the blogs of those who linked up below. I came across this very moving youtube of the Beach Family Blog. This video is the ultimate picture of a wife following her husband's vision. She has freed her husband to pursue his passions, talents and gifts. She has sacrificed much to follow him! She is a perfect picture of what this challenge is all about.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Courtney, sorry but I put my link in there twice. I wasn't sure it took the first time so I did the picture thing again. Will you please delete the second entry. It's with your botton but the word under it is "Blessings!" Thanks. Sincerely, Mommy of two little blessings & so much more!

July 25, 2010 at 11:55 PM  
Blogger Mary Joy said...


Your post is SO on target...and you know...we all need to remember that as Christian Wives, Mothers, Women we are called to live life in this world but not just like this world. You are so good at putting the details of how to do this into words.

My husband is sick right now so I will need to postpone this challenge for us but will be scheduling it very soon. Thank you for being such a wonderful mentor to all of us as we work on our marriages.

P.S.--Thanks for popping over and visiting my "Encouraging your Husband" challenge the other day. I really appreciate your thoughtful words. :-)

July 26, 2010 at 12:04 AM  
Blogger Supermom2JakeAndEmmy said...

This one is a challenge in our world simply because my husband can often times be cynical and discouraged. He has dreams, but doesn't believe he can make them come true or he believes they're impossible to reach. I am willing to face this challenge, however, because I know that my marriage (and my family) will be stronger in the long run because of it! Thanks Courtney!

July 26, 2010 at 8:03 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

First, let me say, I'm a huge fan of yours, Courtney-as well as many in your webring!

This week's challenge is one I am struggling with, and not for the reason you think-I would be fine with my husband guiding the vision for our family.

Question: What can I do when he won't? He never has. I am in charge of everything to do with our home, our children and our marriage. If I ask him to think about what he'd like to do about the answer is, each and every time, "can't you deal with that by yourself?" "Yes, I can but it's important to me to have guidance from you on this." "Whatever you do is okay with me." I have had this conversation multiple time a week for 20 years.

I want to be his support system, and his helpmate but I have never been able to come to terms with that being defined as being the boss of him because as we know, the lack of making a decision is in itself a decision. I decide where we live, all major/minor purchases, all the decisions about the children, and as long as there is no effort required of him besides going to work and coming home (and he does have a very stressful job in matters of life and death, I know that much first hand...because we have the same job and work at the same place.) then he's fine with it all.

I pray daily for him and for guidance in these areas, and I thank Him every day for another shot at figuring this out..but I'm hopeful someone else in my shoes has some thoughts.

Thank you, many blessings for you and yours today!

July 26, 2010 at 8:31 AM  
Anonymous Jen at SoulFULL Cafe said...

Thank you for this post Courtney. It is what I need to hear. It is what I need to do more of: listen to my husband. I am thankful for you and your encouraging wise advise to us women. May God continue to bless you and your marriage and family.

July 26, 2010 at 8:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is a timely post. My dh is in the process of a career change. After 25 years in construction he is looking for something he actually went to college for, from wearing grubby work clothes to wearing a suit and tie every day. It is a bit scary but I'm in full support of his decision. Thank you for this challenge!

July 26, 2010 at 8:41 AM  
Blogger Jenny said...

Courtney - spot on, but so much harder to do than say!
Dearest Kim! I so feel for you. I had exactly the same scenario for so many years, as my hubby suffered with depression and would do/say/lead nothing. So much so, that when he did finally make a stance on something, it was hard to hand over the reins!
My only advice would be to email him once a week, a list in point form on what you propose to do and why. ( Guys love the whole point form letter with no details!) And ask for his OK/input on it, just so he is always in the loop, and has the opportunity to veto/change things.
He must think you are his very capable Prov 31 lady!
I sadly have lost my hubby to leukaemia, and find one of the most difficult things now is making any decisions without his input.

July 26, 2010 at 9:09 AM  
Blogger Courtney (Women Living Well) said...

Kim - you are not alone in how you feel. Some husbands are less "visionary" than others. But at the end of the day, according to God's word, his position in the home is leader. And if he is not leading - he is still leading - leading by abdication.

What I love in you Kim is that you have a desire to follow him - you are not trying to step on him, control him, or lead him. You have asked and considered him before making choices - you are leaving room for him to lead. Great job!

In this situation, I'd pray, continue to leave room for him to lead and maybe even let things at times fail - so he can see that his lack of leadership does have consequences. When you always pick up the pieces he doesn't feel the need to lead.

But let me add something big to the end of this comment here - give your husband GRACE and room to GROW! We all grow - we all change and grow wiser as we age and learn more in life about ourselves and God.

Truly pray for him, continue to leave room for him to lead and give him grace and room to grow.

Sometimes it's hard to see that change can truly come in the lives of loved ones - but indeed the Spirit can stir a soul and change hearts - so have faith and pray in belief!

Much Love,

July 26, 2010 at 9:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First time poster on your blog. I have read some of your articles and a good friend of mine really loves you, so I thought I would check it out. This challenge hits home for me as I am trying to figure out my role as wife and mother and due to many conversations with my friend am trying to live life as a wife with more direction from the Bible and God's Word. Where I struggle is my husband's vision is for me to be a working mom. He feels our family is much better off having 2 incomes and I don't think that opinion is going to change any time soon. I teach so I am lucky enough to love what I do and be home in the summer, but since going back to work full-time 2 years ago it has been a struggle for me many times and I wonder if it is what is really in our plan. I have been praying, reading the Bible, trying to figure out what all this means for our family. Thanks for any opinions, insight, places to lead me to dig more.

Make it a blessed day!


July 26, 2010 at 9:43 AM  
Blogger The Working Home Keeper said...

Kory (Anon), I can SO relate to your situation. My husband also desires that I work. My husband's financial vision for our family is to pay our mortgage off early. To do that, we need two full-time incomes. So in this current season in life, I work outside of the home to help make that happen. Through much prayer, I feel like God has brought me to a place where I can "bloom where I am". To do what I can in this current season. It's not really where I want to be, but it is where I am. Prayers to you!

Courtney - your response to Kim was also very helpful to me. Thanks!


Mary Ellen

July 26, 2010 at 11:00 AM  
Anonymous Julie@comehaveapeace said...

I have always been thankful when I've let my husband lead. It's so true that our world doesn't set us up to be ready to be great "followers" and embrace our husband's vision as "ours," but God's Word surely does. When I ask God to turn my heart toward my husband's passions, He always has, and it brings us closer to each other.

I don't think our world does a lot to help our men believe they CAN lead, so the more we encourage, "let go of control," and verbalize our belief in our man, the more he is encouraged to be the leader he is called to be.

Thanks for linking the marriage challenge to Marriage Mondays!

July 26, 2010 at 11:21 AM  
Blogger Traci Michele said...

Wonderful challenge! I esp. loved this one. :-) Thanks.

July 26, 2010 at 11:33 AM  
Blogger ~Amy~ said...

Loving this always!
God Bless ya Courtney! :)

July 26, 2010 at 12:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I so love your heart, Courtney. This is an area very close to my heart. I long for my current circumstances to be different but am trying desperately to follow my husband's lead and wait for God to reveal His will to us.

July 26, 2010 at 1:33 PM  
Anonymous Fiona's Mosaic said...

I have done this!!! And I can honestly say the Lord has blessed and rewarded me for it!

The first thing that happened is by offering my support it made my sweetie more careful and guarded of our family time, so that his vision and path didn't take away from the children and I. He even made some unexpected sacrifices.

The second thing that happened, was that when it came my turn to make a shift in path he was my biggest and loudest cheerleader. So incredibly supportive.

It has knit us even closer together.

July 26, 2010 at 4:39 PM  
Blogger e-Mom said...

Good for you Courtney! Following our husband affirms him like nothing else... we show him that he is worthy of our highest trust. What a way to fill his Respect tank!

Thanks for sharing your vulnerablility AND your victory.

e-Mom @ Chrysalis ღ

July 26, 2010 at 6:47 PM  
Blogger momstheword said...

When our children were younger my husband pretty much let me make all the decisions. I think he felt that I knew best because I was home all day with the kids and he really didn't care anyway.

However, as the children got older, they began to see me as being "in charge," even of daddy!

So we talked about it and decided that, at night when he was home, I would direct them to go to him for permission for things, because we needed to establish his authority with them.

I continued to direct the kids to go to dad, or tell them that I'd talk it over with dad, etc. So I guess you could say that's one of the ways I've let him lead.

Because we homeschool I also made him the "principal" and sometimes had to send the kids to him when there was a problem. They only had to go a couple of times a year and the rest of the time they behaved for the "teacher," lol!

Over the years I've had to let him lead in situations where I would want to keep the kids home and wrapped up in duck tape in order to keep them "safe" and protected, haha.

You mentioned a career path change and back when my husband and I got engaged I said that any career was fine but that I never wanted to be a pastor's wife. He said "Don't worry, I don't feel God calling me to that."

Guess what....yup, I am a pastor's wife, lol! But by the time he felt called to the ministry the Lord was working in my heart, and although I was scared and nervous, I knew it was God's doing. He is a faithful God!

Thanks for linking up today and encouraging us in our marriages.

July 26, 2010 at 7:18 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

Thank you so very much for your kind words of wisdom and of understanding.

I continue to pray. There is more to my story, as there is for everyone. I will also continue to peek in the windows of others through their blogs and hope that I can find ways to serve both my husband's needs and God's wishes for me and hope that I can do them in ways they don't conflict, as they have done so often lately.

Thank you again, all of you.

July 26, 2010 at 9:11 PM  
Blogger Courtney (Women Living Well) said...

Oh Kory - you are in a sticky situation...

At the end of the day, the clearest mandate in scripture is to submit to your husband - so you must continue on this path...

But be sure he knows your heart and be sure you are praying - remember you have access to the all powerful HUGE magnificent God - you must be in prayer - God can indeed change his heart! Don't ever throw your hands up and give up! Persevere in Prayer.

God uses prayer to change others but more importantly to change us. Though your heart dreams may not change - you may find God giving you contentment and joy in submitting to your husband. You need to stay united though your wishes are divided. Does that make sense?

Don't let this evolve into a bitter, angry, frustrating struggle - don't struggle with your husband over God that when he says submit - that he is doing that out of protection and love for you - and so ultimately - you are obeying God when you do what your husband wants...

Do not be angry with God or your husband - love deeply.

I'm sorry I don't have a quick answer.

One other thought I have is looking for a job that maybe you could do from home. Now adays there are so many - that could also be a solution?

For now - while things are not changing follow these verses in I Thessalonians 5:16-18 "Be joyful always; pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

Much Love,

July 26, 2010 at 9:46 PM  
Blogger EM said...

Thanks for admitting that you cried over your husband's proposed and subsequent changes. Is it ok to mourn abandoned plans? I'm struggling this summer to be supportive of my husband's decisions, I've made a point to pray for him to have wisdom, knowledge and understanding and to make good decisions for our family. So now he has made a decision that is rocking my world (in a destructive earthquake kind of rock, not the groovy fun musical kind). None of our friends and family think his decision is a good one, it involves possibly missing the birth of our 3rd baby in a couple of weeks. I am feeling abandoned and uncared for. What I'm trying to cling to is that feelings aren't everything, and as you reminded us, I can trust the Lord to be with me and protect me and provide for me, and also to answer my prayers for my husband. I am trying to remember that God doesn't do things the way we do things, and this radical decision my husband is choosing may well be God's will and bring blessings to us untold. It's just that I'm mourning the Plan A, where I'd get to have my husband with me when I gave birth, and maybe some time off before hand to relax. I'm trying to change my thoughts, and be in control of my emotions and trust God, but I just keep crying.

July 27, 2010 at 8:25 PM  
Blogger Courtney (Women Living Well) said...

Em - can you email me with your email address at courtney(at)womenlivingwell(dot) org.

I have a detail that I didn't share in the blog post that I'd like to share with you privately if it can be of help.

And yes, it's okay to cry...we are is very hard somedays...and I'd say 80% of family and friends initially thought my husband's decision was a bit odd...but three years later I don't think any of them even give it a second thought anymore.

Email me...I hope to be able to encourage you with what God did in my life.
Much Love,

July 27, 2010 at 8:51 PM  
Anonymous Darla said...

hey Courtney,

I so appreciate your blog & challenges ..... while going over some of the blog posts on this topic i came across one that i don't think belongs.... i don't know if you can remove them or not but the one titled is this in God's plan took me to a blog that wasn't in line with any others... just wanted to let you know

July 27, 2010 at 9:23 PM  
Blogger Courtney (Women Living Well) said...

Darla - thank you SO much - I just deleted it!

July 27, 2010 at 10:12 PM  
Blogger Kalee said...

I think my biggest question is how to begin this conversation. I have a husband who is just learning to really think long term and set goals, and when I ask him about what he wants for the future (and truly want to hear what he is thinking) he looks as if I have just asked him a trick question. I want to be supportive, but don't quite know what to be supportive of!

July 29, 2010 at 9:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am going trough this with my husband right now. I know I need to trust in his plans, Im just scared of how things are going to end up. He tells me its not going to happen like I think it is because he is not that person anymore but I guess its because we've been there before I think its going to happen again. I need to put my trust in God and also trust my husband its just hard sometimes to trust my husbands plans. :)

July 31, 2010 at 12:17 PM  
Blogger Tara O said...

Hi! I got very behind during our PCS move from Germany back to the US. So am playing catch up. Mr Linky is closed so am posting my link here:

August 3, 2010 at 2:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for giving me the link to this article. My husband told me the other night about his dreams, goals, and desire about work. I know that men look to their work with honor and loyalty. I love a man that can provide. Like you, I freaked, my heart sanked. He wanted to move position 45 mins from home. He wanted to attend school to do a "certification," and perhaps open a side business at home and while working with this company. Where's the time for us? He said, he wanted to make sure he accomplishes his dreams, show our kids how important education is, and most of all provide for us. I am still so sad and disheartened,but nonetheless, I am very bless. Thanks for the article. I will listen and not debate.

-phuongkieu from facebook

December 18, 2010 at 2:55 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Ladies- I need your help! Almost 3 years ago I agreed to move with my husband to the other side of the country away from my career, family, home etc. Now he is ready to go back but I am not crazy about what we are going to. The only thing I am looking forward to is being closer again to my family. I have grown to be content where he moved us and financially it is a lot easier and safer for us. In the beginning I was fine with letting the opportunity go by but as time went on I could see he was getting more and more attached to the idea of going back. I pray that he will enjoy his new job in ministry but I have to admit the school and housing situation to me looks discouraging. We could drain our savings and pay for private christian school or pay and arm and a leg to get into a "good" public school neighborhood which would lock us in to those schools for years to come. Home school is out because in our new location I am now probably going to have to work- I have kids in elementary. He gave me a chance to say no to the opportunity but I was scared that if God was leading him that I was getting in the way of that. Plus we were do down into the process and I was so imeshed it was hard to step back and take an unbiased look. I am finding it so hard to be mask my saddness especially when I am having soooooo much regret. I wish we had taken the time to pray and trust God for what we both wanted to see in our next transition- not just in a job but in a quality of life for our family. This is a scary time and I am afraid we have just made a HUGE mistake.

February 13, 2011 at 7:43 PM  

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