Women Living Well Blog

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I'll Try To Keep This G-Rated!

"The more womanly you are, the more manly your husband will want to be." Elizabeth Elliot

There is something about the sparkle in our eye, the smile that says I adore you, the curves of our body, the sweet smell of our perfume, the way we move in the dark...that draws a man to a woman.

Proverbs 30:18,19 says"There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand; the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a maiden."

For men the physical need for intimacy is more than just physical - it is emotional. Just as we long to remain desirable to our husband's, our husband's long to know that they are still desirable to us. Their big ol' egos might not let them admit it - but it's there.

Within our God given femininity, we have the power to make our men feel stronger, more capable, more confident and loved in all areas - simply by responding to his initiatives with desire.

So this week's challenge is:

Pursue intimacy and place the intimate needs of your spouse above your own. Give him a foot or back massage, shower together, be creative!

Seek to "kiss him like you mean it" every single day this week! Solomon 5:16 says "His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely." Look at your husband through the eyes of his fiance...do you remember those butterflies and your longing for him. Renew that passion.

Paula Rinehart says that for many men, "S*x is like a silent cheer."

Our men feel stronger, more capable, and built up when we respond to their advances with a smile.

"Be available, agreeable and interested.(~Linda Dillow, Intimate Issues)

"When you touch your husband's deepest need something good almost always happens!"~ Dr. Emerson Eggerich

So I challenge you today to not just show your husband you love him but show him that you LIKE him!

I want to invite bloggers to link-up if you are participating in this challenge (if you are not joining the challenge but have an encouraging post on marriage, parenting or homemaking feel free to join the link-up fun!). If you are not a blogger - please leave a comment below to let me know that you have committed to the challenge!

Join the fun, do a little blog hopping and don't forget if you join below -please add the Women Living Well Wednesdays button or the Marriage Challenge button to your post so your readers can find us here!

Walk with the King!

I am linked up at Titus2days, Raising Homemakers, and Works for Me Wednesday.

Labels: Marriage Challenge 2

40 Comments:

It's Grace said...: Great post with excellent advice and wisdom. I always love what Linda Dillow has to say, too :) I really need to get some Elizabeth Elliot books, too. I've heard amazing things about her.

Thank you for sharing and for hosting.

:) Erin; February 1, 2011 at 11:21 PM
Unknown said...: too bad this wasn't last week... as my husband so delicately put it, "I was in heat!" But I will work on it this week, too!! :); February 1, 2011 at 11:23 PM
Sarah beth said...: Love this challenge!!! I am in!

Sarah beth; February 2, 2011 at 1:34 AM
Janene said...: I thought you might like this. My Dad wrote it today and it goes along great with this theme:
http://sausedo.net/2011/02/02/759/; February 2, 2011 at 8:53 AM
Anonymous said...: I have made the mistake of treating my hubby like he wasn't the most important thing. Our intimate times are so important to our men. I must have made him feel horrible when rejecting him constantly.

I have been working to improve this area of our life and things have been so much better between us. He is kind, understanding and quick to apologize when things get tough.

The advice you offered is fantastic. I think if women focus on meeting their husbands needs, the relationship will improve greatly!; February 2, 2011 at 9:23 AM
Amy von Oven said...: My fourth child died a year and a half ago and a part of me died with her....So much of me has changed and I had not even seen how much I have let my relationship with my husband change as well...My children lost a sister, my husband lost a daughter and many times I think they feel like they also lost me..I am working so hard to allow Christ to bring me back, but thank you for the reminder to work harder with my husband...; February 2, 2011 at 9:45 AM
Kathy Fannon, CHHC said...: Thank you, Courtney! You are so encouraging and inspirational. I really needed this challenge. :); February 2, 2011 at 10:43 AM
Heather said...: "Within our God given femininity, we have the power to make our men feel stronger, more capable, more confident and loved in all areas..."
Quite the opposite of Hollywood's message to women! All too often we see women use their femininity to belittle, overpower, and manipulate the men around them, calling it "girl power"! It is sad that our daughters are being sent this message! I'll take your version of girl power any time!; February 2, 2011 at 11:06 AM
Brooke said...: I haven't blogged about the challenge (not sure I could do it this week w/o blushing) but I am particpating. And as you can see from my thumbnail pic (I'm the bride attacking her hubby) I'm use to being the instigator in our relationship. :D; February 2, 2011 at 11:44 AM
Christine said...: This is my first time linking up and I couldn't resist. This is my pet project- getting women to enjoy their husbands sexually and meeting their needs joyfully. Great challenge and great post!; February 2, 2011 at 12:20 PM
Amanda @ Gods Highest Calling said...: Great post. Our husbands should never feel neglected in this area! Thanks for motivating and getting me refreshed in this...; February 2, 2011 at 12:47 PM
Sam W. said...: thank you for the encouraging post and for the challenge! after watching some of your youtube videos, i think i am going to buy intimate issues. i appreciate your blog so much!; February 2, 2011 at 1:34 PM
Amy said...: I knew I had to comment as soon as I read the first line about the "sparkle in our eye." Earlier this week as my husband was leaving for work, I stood at the door and gave him a flirtatious "twitter-pated" sort of look, which got a cute little smile out of him. I didn't think too much of it at the time, but then he called me at lunch time and thanked me for making "google eyes" at him and actually said that I had an extra sparkle in my eyes that morning. Wow!! It seemed like it really gave him a boost! I never would have thought something so small could make such a difference, but it did to him.
We may not always get such a rapid response--but continually building up our husbands over time can make a drastic difference in their confidence and in our relationships.
Thanks again for an awesome post!!; February 2, 2011 at 3:09 PM
Michele @ The Excellent Wife said...: Great post! I'll work on this challenge this very day!; February 2, 2011 at 6:23 PM
Sophia said...: I'm excited to join this weeks challenge! :); February 2, 2011 at 7:11 PM
Mel said...: We are actually reading Kiss Me Like You Mean It. My husband actually purchased it for us and he's already read it! I haven't finished it :) Great challenge :) One that is needed.

Blessings,
Mel
Please feel free to stop by: Trailing After God; February 2, 2011 at 7:11 PM
Anonymous said...: I love your challenges! This one is hard for me as my husband has a really low libido. I am talking about 3-4 times a year. No, he is not cheating or gay..just has a low drive. It is more common than you would think. But I will try!; February 2, 2011 at 7:30 PM
Corie Spurling said...: Yes, YES this is so true!!! I cannot begin to tell you how much this has changed our marriage! I once heard that when intimacy is happening in the marriage, it's about 10% (of the marriage) but when it isn't, it's 90%. We've been married 15 years and I never really got how important this really is until now. Reading the book "Intimate Issues" has changed our relationship. Tell your man your answer will always be "yes" and back it up!; February 2, 2011 at 7:42 PM
Anonymous said...: Anonymous - I'm right there with you. My husband has the same kind of libido. It's been a year. -_- It is very common. It can make a woman feel very lonely as well.; February 2, 2011 at 9:15 PM
amber said...: such a awesome post! we need more encouragement like this as wives, to keep the fires in our marriages burning HOT!

now excuse me while i go kiss my husband like i mean it~

blessings~

amber; February 2, 2011 at 11:26 PM
Anonymous said...: Ladies, I encourage you to not only say yes to his advances, but for YOU to initiate being intimate. You start things so its not always him to begin.
Doing this really shows him you are still interested in him and gives such a boost.
Blessings,
Lori; February 3, 2011 at 10:39 AM
Anonymous said...: ADVISE NEEDED!! I hope somebody could post a comment in reply to mine.

I would love to be the kind of wife who answers to my husband every time he pursues me. I am feeling used for sex and child care. When my husband & I have time alone, the only thing he wants to do is have sex and nothing else. If I want to discuss something with him, forget it. Then he has a temper-tantrum because he doesn't get his way. When I answer "YES", after the forth day in a row I want to ask "what about something for me". He snaps at me when I ask him a very simple, non-confrontational question. He won't take an evening to go to a movie, because "he doesn't like going to the movies." If we stay home and rent a movie like he suggests, he falls asleep and then complains that the movie was boring or stupid. PLEASE HELP! I so want to be close to my husband, but I can't keep saying yes when I don't feel useful in any other way.

I am not very active in going to church and he will hardly ever go with me, and when he does, he tells me how he disagrees with what the minister said. He's a great dad, but I don't enjoy him as a husband very often.; February 3, 2011 at 2:04 PM
Tiffany said...: This is a great post- and very true. I have seen God's promises work in this area. A wife really should remember that it is a calling to be there for her husband in THIS way. ;); February 3, 2011 at 2:46 PM
Anonymous said...: This may be a stupid question, but what does the bible say about sex when you are on your period??? Do you still say yes then? I need help, because my husband doesn't seem very sensitive to these things and always wants it. Thanks.; February 4, 2011 at 9:19 AM
Courtney (Women Living Well) said...: Thank you to all the Anonymous posters...you each brought up diffcult issues in your marriage.

For those with husband's who aren't interested in s*x - I talked to my husband about this and he says...there could be one of 3 causes

1. They are under great stress or grief from something else in their life...maybe even suffering from depression.
2. They are getting their needs met elsewhere ie. P*rn or
3. They have a medical condition or are on medication that is affecting them in this area.

It is important that you get to the bottom of the reason why if it is bothering you as a wife. Just as I Cor. 5:7 says that wives are not to withhold from their husbands - it says husbands are to not deprive their wives. If number 1 or 3 is the issue then I think understanding and compassion come into play but if it is #2...it must be dealt with.

I hope it is not number 2 but can I be honest...50% of men are affected by it so you have a 50/50 chance that that could be the issue :-( But again - do NOT think that because I am suggesting it that is what it is...a Dr. could better tell if it is 1. or 3.

Hope this helps!
Courtney; February 4, 2011 at 3:28 PM
Courtney (Women Living Well) said...: Dear Anonymous who feels like her hubby only wants her for S*x - yes - this is a serious problem...I can see that there may be layers of issues that cannot be resolved in this little comment section...

At one time your husband was very reasonable - or you would not have married him...but it seems that overtime things have changed.

I think 2 things are important to ask:
1. How have you changed? Are you still respecting him and his advice? Do you still smile at him like you once did? Is he your first priority like he once was?

After you have evaluated yourself to see if there is something in you that has changed...try tweaking a few of these things in your own life and tell him - honey, I realize that I have changed some and I am going to work on these areas...then say - do you think that maybe you could work on a couple areas for me? Then ask him to work on listening or talking with you more - or more romance - date nights etc. whatever it is you are needing.

When our husband's see our good will towards them they feel secure and safe to admit their own flaws and move towards us.

This may take time. At first he may not trust that you are working on yourself. But over time - a good willed husband will respond.

I can't stress highly enough that you find a church to attend every Sunday and that you get into reading the Bible daily. It will change the entire course of your life.

I hope something in here helps you.

Much Love and (((hugs)))
Courtney; February 4, 2011 at 3:50 PM
Courtney (Women Living Well) said...: Anonymous with the period question...I have to be honest...my husband and I have it frequently enough that the 5 day down period is usually no problem for him because he has gotten plenty. But I will admit at times he has pursued me unknowingly and when I break the bad news lol! well - he's bummed...we have done other "things" during that time but I think I better stop as I don't want to share private things publically.
Much Love,
Courtney; February 4, 2011 at 3:55 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you for replying Courtney - I sincerely appreciate it and I will definitely take your suggestions. I know church is important, but I've gotten out of the routine and am having a hard time finding my way back. I am working on myself and hopefully that will bring positives to our relationship. I will try talking to him tonight - if he stays awake after the little ones' bed time.; February 4, 2011 at 4:33 PM
Anonymous said...: QUESTION FOR COURTNEY & HER READERS:

Okay, I am posting anonymously because I'm ashamed to ask...

But can any of you tell me why it is always the WOMEN who have to give in? :(

I'm in a Christian marriage but sometimes I think my husband is dead wrong. He is always trying to convince everyone that he is right about nearly everything.

I get exasperated.

Why are women called to be the one to smooth things over all the time? My husband rarely, if ever, does that!

I sincerely appreciate any responses. Thank you!; February 4, 2011 at 6:43 PM
Unknown said...: Hi Courtney I appreciated this post. Gentle reminders are good : ) I'm sharing it over on my blog www.lessonsfromivy.; February 5, 2011 at 7:44 AM
blessed_theresa said...: Just posting to say that I am in!

I am sure my wonderful Husband will appreciate it!; February 5, 2011 at 8:40 AM
Courtney (Women Living Well) said...: Anonymous who feels like the women always have to give in...

This blog is written to help women live well - so I write to encourage women to go first - love on their man - respect him - forgive him etc. But if this blog were for men - it'd be the opposite.

In God's word BOTH are called to obey God's word...Biblically, it is not the woman's role to "smooth things over". But we are called to fogive, respect and let our husbands be the leader.

We are called to confront our husbands when there is sin like in Matthew 18 or Gal. 6:1 - but respectfully.

Sometimes it is because both partners are not obeying God that there are troubles. When this is the case - I am calling on women to go first and confess and change their ways. Sometimes God uses the woman's change of behavior to win her husband to the Lord (I Peter 3).

I think we must remember that God uses marriage to sanctify us - to show us our unholiness, our flaws, our selfishness...and when we know that we are flawed - we will be humbled and be putty in God's hands...willing to take the first steps towards our husbands not because our husbands are worthy but because the God we serve is worthy.

We serve our husbands not because of who they are but because of who we are - we are strong women, confident in God's everlasting love, trusting that God will change our husband's heart in his timing. Have faith in God - draw near to him and he will give you strength even when you feel weak. Do not let bitterness grow towards your husband rather work hard to communicate with respect your feelings.

Hope something in here helps,
Courtney; February 6, 2011 at 10:24 PM
Anonymous said...: Courtney,

I agree with what you say in your 2/6 10:24 pm reply to a different Anonymous, but I also believe that your general counsel is incomplete.

As a very wise man once said, "Part of the truth is a half-truth, and a half-truth is no different than a lie."

I Corinthians 7 is about mutuality, but the marriage resources you typically recommend - while directed to both husbands and wives - don't reflect that Biblical mutuality.

For several decades, Christian wives have been pounded with the message that they need to meet their husbands' needs for frequent sex.

I agree with that counsel.

BUT, that counsel is only one-half of the message in I Corinthians 7. There needs to also be parallel counsel to husbands, around issues such as wooing their wives and being responsive to their wives' preferences in the bedroom.

There is no hierarchy in the bedroom. A husband has (thankfully) never had the experience of living in a female body. He cannot know what his wife wants unless he listens to her and heeds what she tells him.

That counsel is missing from many popular marriage books, including some of your favorites.

Should a wife meet her husband's needs regardless of the fact that her husband is receiving incomplete counsel? OF COURSE!

But, both sides of I Corinthians 7 need to be taught. The top Christian sex therapists are doing that. But the popular resources you typically recommend are not.; February 8, 2011 at 2:56 PM
Courtney (Women Living Well) said...: Anonymous - while I appreciate your heart and desire to be sure that men too are servant leaders - and this is indeed Biblical and how God created it to be - you have accused me of "lying."...(feathers are now ruffled lol!!! But I'm trying to hear through the ugly...)

You state "There needs to also be parallel counsel to husbands, around issues such as wooing their wives and being responsive to their wives' preferences in the bedroom."

Yes there is a need for it - but I don't write for men??? So that's kind of a confusing accusation - are you saying I need to write to men - you want me to change my ministry platform???

If you are a man - (I have a funny feeling you might be???) please DO IT! Start a blog and do it! Mark Driscoll tells men all the time to woo their wives. Dr. Emerson Eggerich is ALL about men speaking the women's language of love.

There are men doing it - and we need more.

Men are not my audience therefore your accusation is unfounded...and I wonder - what are the resources that you do recommend for women to read regarding marriage - please remember my blog is "Women" Living Well - is there a marital book for women you recommend - I'd love to explore it - I may have even already read it - just have not mentioned it?

I appreciate your concern. But think you are misunderstanding the very core of my ministry???? Possibly?? Or there's an underlying issue here that you have not stated...
Courtney; February 8, 2011 at 4:19 PM
Anonymous said...: Sorry, Courtney, I thought you would have caught the reference to the Love and Respect Conference.

“Part of the truth is often a half-truth” is one of the many memorable lines from the Conference.

It’s relevant here because you recommend the Love and Respect book in your post. In that book, there is an entire chapter devoted to the importance of a wife meeting her husband’s needs in the bedroom.

I agree with that teaching. Yet contrary to the clear mutuality in I Corinthians 7, Love and Respect says nothing to husbands about the importance of meeting their wives needs in the bedroom. I don’t agree with that omission. It’s part of the truth, and part of the truth . . .

There are many good reasons to recommend the Love and Respect book. I don’t think that the teaching on sexuality is among them.

When teaching is incomplete, we all suffer. If you’re going to recommend resources on sexuality, would you please consider something that is balanced?; February 8, 2011 at 4:40 PM
Anonymous said...: Courtney,

Thanks for the wonderful direction towards God's word as always. I love that you are willing to be a messenger even on topics that are "sensitive" in nature. You handled this one with grace and class...

To the other anonymous ladies struggling with low libido with your husband, I am praying for you. My husband would be the same way but he has lovingly accommodated my desire for more frequent intimacy. It is still hard for me though because I get the feeling he isn't really into it. I just keep praying for him and for our marriage. Courtney, thanks for the perspective from your husband on the three causes of low libido, I'll keep these in mind in case we really hit the wall again.

Laura; February 9, 2011 at 12:55 PM
Anonymous said...: Courtney - I'm the Anonymous who asked about "giving in".

Can I say a big "thank you" for your reply? :)

I've actually printed out your response to me and will refer to it.

You and your blog are an inspiration. I love you!

A Grateful GMG; February 9, 2011 at 1:56 PM
Anonymous said...: Courtney,

I’m writing to ask you to reconsider your opinion that because your blog is for women, a marriage ministry’s counsel to husbands isn’t a concern to you or your readers. To explain my request, let me draw an analogy to a husband’s need for respect.

When a husband communicates his felt need for respect to his wife, two things are relevant – how he communicates and what he communicates. Emerson Eggerichs’ COUPLE teaching to husbands explains how to lovingly communicate to a wife. But, the CHAIRS teaching to wives is every bit as relevant to the husband as it is to his wife. I say that because it helps husbands give voice to their needs. It helps them communicate with specificity what respect looks like.

Emerson acknowledges this. He shares that a large number of husbands have thanked him for giving voice to needs they have, but weren’t able to verbalize. Unable to explain what was wrong, they responded to their wives' disrespect by stonewalling. The result was an escalation in what Emerson refers to as the Crazy Cycle.

Christian sex therapists tell us that a different Crazy Cycle occurs in many Christian bedrooms. It's just that the roles are reversed. A husband comes at his wife for sex, but his style is unloving. She responds by stonewalling and saying no. It’s right to tell wives that their stonewalling is sin. But, I think it’s equally important to help wives give voice to their felt needs in the bedroom.

Do we believe God’s Word in I Corinthians 7? Paul gives as much weight to a wife's authority over her husband's body, as to a husband's authority over his wife's body? Shouldn't we do the same in our teaching? We’re right to take wives to task for not meeting their husbands’ needs for physical intimacy. But doesn’t the Bible imply that we should also be helping wives identify and respectfully give voice to their needs?

Courtney, this is a longer explanation of why I think the omission from L&R materials of counsel to husbands about the importance of listening to their wives needs in the bedroom, is not only a very big deal, but is also an issue that is relevant to you and your readers.

Recommended Resources for wives struggling to give voice to their sexual needs:

Celebration of Sex by Dr. Doug Rosenau

Married Guy’s Guide to Great Sex by Dr. Cliff Penner; February 10, 2011 at 1:13 PM
Courtney (Women Living Well) said...: Anonymous - thank you for sharing your thoughts. There are no cookie cutter marriages and no books are going to be a one size fits all - for some the 5 Love Language book has been a life saver, for others it's been the Power of a Praying Wife and Husband, for others it's been the Love and Respect book. (and hopefully for all the Bible!)

I have multiple concerns with you:
1. I think you are a guy and my blog is for women - so I will no longer converse with you until you are honest about who you are.

2. I did NOT recommend the book Love and Respect in this blog post...I quoted Dr. Emerson Eggerich - the same quote I have used in all 4 of the Wednesday "Be My Valentine" Marriage Challenge posts...so you might have missed that this is a repeat quote that I just happen to like. It speaks to me in all areas. And I've used it for 4 weeks in a row on these marriage posts.

3. I quoted two other authors in this blog post - Paula Rinehart and Linda Dillow the author of Intimate Issues(you seemed to have glossed over this fact). In my video on this topic it was Linda Dillow's book that I recommended and it speaks to a whole host of issues in the bedroom.

So you may have missed my video and the resource that I have recommended in the past - I have only written on this topic twice...once with the video and a second time here...and both times I referred to Linda...

You should really check out both her books "Intimate Issues" and "Intimacy Ignited". I think you will find what you are looking for.
Courtney; February 11, 2011 at 11:13 AM
Leah LC Shellum said...: Courtney ~
Thank you so much for what you are doing. I enjoy reading your blog and you are one of the few women that I 'know'whom are living biblically and with God truly in their heart. Thank you so much for doing what you do: sharing truth and wisdom.
I pray that you can continue to hear God's messages for your heart!

(:; February 14, 2011 at 10:08 AM

Women Living Well Blog

: Name: Courtney (Women Living Well); Location: Ohio, United States

I am a stay-at-home home schooling mom of 2, a son (age 8) and a daughter (6). I have been married to Keith, my high school sweet heart, for 13 years. My passion to know God and share him with others led me to the Moody Bible Institute where I graduated with a degree in Evangelism and Discipleship. Last year, I appeared on the Rachael Ray Show as a 1950's Housewife. To learn more about me visit my "About Me" page.

View my complete profile

Subscribe to
Posts [Atom]

This Page

Women Living Well Blog

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I'll Try To Keep This G-Rated!

40 Comments:

Women Living Well Blog

About Me

Previous Posts