My Husband Does Not Respect Me

It's time for another Mailbag Marriage Question:

A reader writes:

"I found your blog months ago through a link from Rachel Ray. I have since made it one of my favorites. Just this morning, I watched your video post about “Respectfully Changing Your Husband’s Opinion”. I really got a lot from it, and it was a nice reminder for me to be more respectful and less “chatty” and “pointy” with my opinions.


Here is where I struggle; not getting the respect in return. I try to keep my mouth shut and not vocalize when he continually does things that, in my mind, are disrespectful, but it’s getting harder..."(then the writer gave a recent scenario of a way that her husband disrespected her and I fully agreed - it was disrespectful.)

Here's my answer**

Because our husbands are human that means they are sinners. And because they are sinners that means inevitably they will hurt us. Happy marriages are made up of two people who are willing to forgive over and over and over and over again.

It appears that the writer of this letter has a husband who is a "repeat offender". He continually does disrespectful things. Are you married to a man like this? If I could talk to the husband and say "please be more considerate" I would. But this blog is written to wives, so I want to tell wives how to handle this problem.

First, I would tell my husband how it made me feel. For example I would say, "When you say _______ that hurts my feelings because it makes me feel ________." Or "when you don't bother to call, it makes me feel _______". Do give voice to your feelings, our husband's cannot read our minds.

If voicing your feelings is met with resistance, I would say, "I'm not saying that's how you meant it to feel, but I am saying that is how it feels to me." Do not assume the worst intentions in your husband. Just simply tell him how you feel. After that, let it drop. If you back a man into a corner by talking about it over and over and over, it will be harder for him to come to you and apologize. Give him room to let it sink in and pray that God convicts him of his harsh behavior.

Now your job is to not stew. If you replay the scenario over and over in your mind and keep track of all the times your husband has wronged you, you will become a bitter old woman.

Hebrews 12:15 warns: "See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many."

Like a weed that must be pulled by the root - you must uproot these bitter thoughts that silently play like a recording in your head. Put a plan in place. Filter your thoughts according to Philippians 4:8 which reads: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy think about such things."

When I have a critical, negative, bitter thought I ask myself - "is this a noble thought? Is this pure? Is this lovely? Admirable? Praiseworthy?" If it is not - I must do what 2 Corinthians 10:5 says "Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." I must make my mind obedient to Christ.

Do not let those thoughts swirl in your head because eventually everyone in the family can see it in your demeanor, your lack of joy, and even in your words - though you may think you are hiding it. Replace those thoughts with thankful thoughts full of grace. Forgive your husband and pray - ask the Lord to give you eyes to see your husband as he sees him.

This is not something that will happen overnight - it's a life long journey of guarding your mind and your marriage. The enemy would LOVE to get a foothold using bitterness - so beware - and put Philippians 4:8 as a filter over your mind.

And remember you respect your husband because of who God is and his commands. You respect your husband because of who you are and your character. You respect your husband because you have been given grace and you freely give it. You respect your husband because of your vow at the marriage altar. And you respect your husband because you do indeed love him and desire to please him.

Walk with the King!